Saturday, December 12, 2009

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Candy Technology Shall Have No Bounds

As a tie-in to the upcoming Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, candy technologists have engineered a new flavor of M&M: Strawberried Peanut Butter. It's more than meets the eye. It's yuk that meets the tongue. It melts in your mouth and not in your hand, and then it transforms into vomit!

Genius. Just you wait for the G.I. Joe Blueberry Cherrymallow Nutswirl Snickers.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

You Can Have it Your Way Anywhere, Not Just at Burger King

But maybe you don't want it your way. Maybe another way is better.

You'll still get charged full price of course. More, if we can.

It's all about you, America!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Binging on Carbs Is Healthy

Introducing the Pasta Bread Bowl from Domino's, proof positive that carbs are so good for you that you should gorge yourself on so much dough you'll be shitting out loaves of Oroweat.

Even after creating the Oreo Dessert Pizza, Domino's realized they still had too much leftover dough, so why not use it to make pasta and the bowl that holds it? Better yet, make people eat it with a fork made out of macaroni and serve it up on a giant pancake table with breadstick legs! And all of this is available at your local Domino's, which is actually a life-sized gingerbread house with a thatched spaghetti roof and grafitti made from alphabet soup noodles that says "Suck it, Atkins!" Damn, I'm hungry now. Your fucking move, Pizza Hut.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Pirates Bad, Navy SEALs Good

Only during George W.'s administration could a theme park ride like Pirates of the Caribbean turn into one of Hollywood's biggest movie franchises ever. But after pirates kidnapped the captain of the Maersk Alabama, Obama sent a message loud and clear: pirates are bad and if you look past the guyliner and underneath the eye patch, you'll see the eyes of a killer. Or the empty eye socket of a killer. What Disneyland really needs to do is make a ride based on the Navy SEALs who rescued the captain. Those guys are pretty awesome killers.

The war on pirates has begun.

If you don't like blow-dry haircuts and broody eyes, then the pirates have won.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Barfing Up Ghosts Is Scary

Horror has been redefined. During the George W. Bush years, horror movies consisted of torture porn (Saw, Hostel), remakes (The Hitcher, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes) and Japanese ghost stories (The Grudge, The Eye, Pulse).

But now, fear has a new name: "Bleeeaaaaayyyaaaaaccchhh" (otherwise known as "Ghost Vomit.") Seriously. Check out the main visual from The Haunting in Connecticut, which opens in theaters today.

See? The dude is barfing up a ghost. It's like Ghostbusters in reverse.

So say goodbye to Saw with its passe torture scenes of eyelid snips, kneecap twists and butterflied anuses. Say farewell to possible remakes of horror "classics" like Critters, Leprechaun and Candyman. Say TTFN to more Asian thrillers about haunted technology like supernatural videotapes, possessed cameras, demonic cell phones and iPods that shuffle out all your gay dance jamz when you're trying to impress a date. The new face of fear has arrived. And it's puking up Casper.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Making Fun of Retards is Okay

If you can't laugh about the mentally disabled, what can you laugh at, right? I'm right with you, Mr. President. I also suck at bowling, which is a totally retarded sport anyway, and I also think feebs are funny. I appreciate the validation.

Now Playing in the White House Screening Room:
March 21 - 25:
Life Goes On Marathon
March 26:
The Ringer with special guest speaker Johnny Knoxville

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

There's Nothing Wrong with Peeing in the Shower

In the latest issue of Blender magazine, Kelly Clarkson declares that she's just like everyone else and pees in the shower! With Miss Independent bravely coming out (of the shower stall with pee on her feet), she proves that the Obama administration is heralding in the era in which it's perfectly alright for you to relieve yourself while rinsing and repeating.

Please note that while it's OK to pee in the shower, it's still not OK to do the following (Obama can make change happen, but he ain't no miracle worker):
  • Peeing while taking a bath
  • Farting in an elevator
  • Barfing while administering CPR
  • Ejaculating in a preschool
  • Taking a dump in bed (pictured below)
Since U been gone, Kelly Clarkson been using UR shower as toilet.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Everyone Has a Chance With Megan Fox

Maybe she broke up with Brian Austin Green, maybe she didn't. But yeah, you have a shot with her, everybody. Hurray!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Natasha Bedingfield's Music Isn't Just for Chicks

What was once music reserved only for movie previews starring Isla Fisher, Kate Hudson, Sarah Jessica Parker, Anne Hathaway, Reese Witherspoon or Traveling Pants has now become totally OK for dudes to listen to. Natasha Bedingfield's edgy anthems like "Soulmate," "Happy," "Pocketful of Sunshine" and "Freckles" can now serve as the soundtrack for the perfect boys' night out of jumping up and down on the bed while singing into hairbrushes followed by an impromptu Haagen-Dazs-fueled fashion show montage.

Check out this video. You'll see that Natasha Bedingfield's music totally works with dude stuff.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Size Really Doesn't Matter Anymore

Yes, lads, something women used to say to make y'all feel better (another one is "it happens to everyone"--it doesn't) is now totally true. I am a woman, I would not lie, despite that I just admitted some women will lie. But either way, it's the kind of lie you like. Um. Not that we as a gender lie a lot.

Size sure don't hurt tho. Just sayin'.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Hayden Panettiere is Single Again

She dropped that icky old dude and is single, like any self-respecting, hot 19-year-old should be.

All is right with the world. Now if only she could get out of that shitty show she's on.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

No One Has to Go Unsatisfied on Valentine's Day

Single people of the world, behold Cinemax's After Dark schedule:

11:30 PM
Max East HD: "Forbidden Science 05: Hotzone"
When an employee of 4Ever Technologies gets tangled in a twisted web of black market sex tapes and espionage, he ends up dead. With Penny's help, Philip taps into the dead man's memories using the experimental Gold Chip and relives the last few hours of his life before his murder. Then everyone has sex. Including the dead guy.

12:30 AM
Max East HD: "Co-Ed Confidential 2: Sophomores 08 - Educating Larry"
Larry is torn between his lust for his film muse Sophie and his affection for his film buddy Ciara. Then everyone has sex. There's probably a three-way.

1:00 AM
Max East HD: "Co-Ed Confidential 2: Sophomores 11 - The Bachelor Party"
The adventurous girls decide to spy on the guys as they ogle strippers at James' bachelor party, and end up on the stage themselves. Then everyone has sex. One dude humps the stage.

MoreMax East HD: "Twisted Temptations"
A luscious bartender and her husband who moonlight as private eyes find themselves on the case of an underground ladies boxing league that may be a front for a high-class prostitution ring. Then everyone has sex, but this time it's intermingled with luscious rounds of erotic boxing.

2:00 AM
OuterMax East HD: "Zane's Sex Chronicles Feature 02"
A compilation of episodes from the sizzling series about five sexy friends who enjoy hot, steamy fantasy stories on the blog of erotic writer Zane. Then everyone has sex. And then they blog about it. In the nude.

4:00 AM
ActionMax East HD: "Co-Ed Confidential 2: Sophomores Feature 02 - Put Out and Vote"
A compilation of episodes from Season Two of this sizzling erotic series set at a college. Then everyone has sex. And then they vote.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

You Are, in Fact, Ready to Rock

At all motherfucking times.

Word to the Motherland. (That's word to your mother for the white folks in the audience.)

Friday, February 6, 2009

Drug Abuse Upgraded to "Really Whack"

The war on drugs took a slight smoke break in the recent Seth Rogen era of filmdom, but the war is back on in full force after the fallout from the Michael Phelps' bong scandal. Sure, it's an amazing feat to win fourteen gold medals in your Olympic career, but it's an even bigger feat to win those medals when you're a doped-up pothead. Just getting him to show up must've been an achievement. And he probably thought that crazy opening ceremony was the trippiest drum circle he'd ever been to.

So when Kellogg's dumps your high-off-your-ass ass and Subway yanks you from its website, you know that the war on drugs is back on, 'cause breakfast cereal and five-dollar footlongs are the ultimate munchies for Phish fans, naked bongo players and donkey-faced Olympians. Drugs are badder than ever. The proof is in the bongwater, dude.

No, no, Michael. Cereal bowl. CEREAL bowl.

Keeping Up with the Music All the Kids Are Into Is Easier

Just look at the wall of t-shirts in any Hot Topic store. Now you know.

America Gets its Balls Back

You know, I put up with a lot of shit during the eight years George W. Bush was in office. We all did. Terrorist attacks. Crumbling economy. Deteriorating environment. Those obnoxious Six Flags commercials with the dancing old guy.

But there is some shit that I cannot, I will not, take. Recently my mind wandered, as it is wont to do, toward the land of delicious snacks I've once had. Sometimes it's hostess cupcakes, sometimes it's chocolate covered pretzels, but this time it was Planters Cheez Balls. You know these things. They're like Cheetos Puffs only they came in cylindrical tins and were better. So I decided to pick some up at my next opportunity and I won't lie, I got excited. It was to be the highlight of my week. I tried Rite Aid. I tried CVS. I tried an actual grocery store. No Cheez Balls.

Then I turned to our savior, the Internet, to find out what the hell is going on. Was there some sort of Cheez Ball shortage I wasn't aware of? Was congress doling out bailouts to Wall Street in cheese "food"-based snacks? No. Planters, those fucks, stopped making Cheez Balls in the past couple of years.

What the fuck, Planters?

But President Obama's gonna be all over this shit. There will be Cheez Balls in every pot. Our tastebuds are about to get a stimulus package, let me tell you. This is change we need.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

You Can Age Gracefully by Looking like Johnny Depp's Dad

Totally works for Mickey Rourke. He doesn't look a day over greasy-haired-sausage-face.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

All Movies Based on Video Games Are Fantastic

Faithful enough to the games for the diehard fans, while still managing to be comprehensible and compelling for all audiences, these movies are no longer shitty, desperate attempts to cash in on a built-in audience, and instead are beautifully shot, thoughtfully written, brilliantly directed masterpieces on par with the greatest movies of all time. Just with more ass kickin' and shit blowing up.

And sometimes boobs.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"It Is What It Is" Actually Is

For everyone who's had trouble coming up with actual reasons to explain the way certain things are, that annoying go-to saying has finally become a truism: It really is what it is!

Other newly proven phrases include:
  • No means no
  • The past is the past
  • This is that which that is this such that this is
  • I'd never do this on the first date but you're totally special, baby

Popeye's a genius!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

All Babies Are Actually Cute

Yes, every baby. Now you don't have to lie when your co-worker, brother, or baby mama brings their snot-nosed brat around for you to coo over!

Not this cute, of course. But cute enough.

That's Relief We Can Use

The big handicap stall is always available when you need to drop a deuce in a public restroom.

"One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech."

Now everyone gets all of Dennis Miller's obscure references, though no one finds them to be that funny. See above.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Unicorn Births At an All-Time High

Unsettling times make unicorns the opposite of horny. Which is weird, you know, considering that they are, at all times, literally horny. Behorned*. Horned? Whatever.

Luckily for all of us, unicorn gestation periods are rather short, and we are now experiencing a unicorn BOOM.

Happy days are here again! For unicorns!

*I get behorned thinking about Zac Efron eating a banana, if you know what I'm saying**.

**I'm saying the thought of Zac Efron with a dicklike object in his mouth makes me horny.

Ed Hardy & Affliction Graphic Tees Are Worth the Money

Even though we're going through difficult economic times, being able to drop $100 or so on an Ed Hardy or Affliction graphic tee is a pasttime no longer reserved for trendy douchebags! Investing in one of these shirts has now been declared money well spent.

It used to be hard to justify spending that much on a t-shirt with a picture of an angel-winged tiger eating a flaming skull in a gothic cathedral, but do you know how hard it is to draw that shit? You try getting an angel-winged tiger to pose in a gothic cathedral.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

All Breakfast Cereals Declared "Magically Delicious"

The only thing stopping me from getting my daily allowance of fiber was my need for breakfast to taste like a bowl of Jolly Ranchers. But that was before the recent advances in the marshmallow sciences and improved Leprechaun hiring practices. Tree-flavored cereals like Special K and Grape Nuts now taste like pink hearts, yellow moons and purple horseshoes.

Even Mueslix doesn't taste as gross as it sounds. Oh, happy and solid day for my bowels!

Vertical Blinds Are OK for Interior Decorating

I don't even think they sell vertical blinds in stores, because they were issued to the Landlord Society of America or something so that every apartment in the country would be decorated with them. Anyway, it's totally cool now to have vertical blinds for your window treatments because they're beautiful now. Horizontal is the new ugly.

Rainbows, Ladies and Gentlemen. Rainbows.

Have you ever seen so many fucking rainbows?

Comedy Is Funny Again

During George W. Bush's presidency, hospital emergency rooms were no longer busy administering split-side stitches, busted gut surgeries and laughed-off ass reattachments after comedy took a turn for the worst. The country was in need for levity, so any ol' thing would do for a laugh.

America was like one of those sad clown paintings -- a painted-on smile on the outside covering up uncontrollable tears and a penchant for murdering hobos. You know what careers and franchises were born in the name of unfunny in the past eight years? Carlos Mencia. Dane Cook. Dax Shepard. Reba. The Scary Movie franchise.

Remember in 2006 when your nearby coworker responded with "LOL" after you IM'd something funny? Did you actually hear your coworker laugh out loud? That's because comedy was officially dead. But not anymore! Comedy is back and alive thanks to the new administration, and it's actually taken me three hours to type all of this because I've been ROFL! Literally! You ever try to type from the floor? And while rolling?

This marks the second week in a row that the Kevin James comedy, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, was the number one movie in America. For the first two weeks of Barack Obama's presidency, Mall Cop has been the king of the box office. Take that, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, or, as I like to call it, "Twilight for dudes." And take that, Bush years. Comedy is back and better than ever.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Change We Can Believe In

Everybody who's anybody (we're looking at you, Hollywood!) knows that President Barack Obama is going to do everything in his power to create positive change in our government. After just one week in office, he's already vowed to close Guantanamo Bay, is hard at work on getting his stimulus package passed, and he's even worried about the emissions our cars produce, and what the states can do about it.


But did you know that President Obama is also making positive change happen in every aspect of life as we know it? It's true. His hope field is so strong, it's created a huge wave of change, rippling through the very fabric of the universe and making it better, one random bit at a time.

This blog was created to chronicle these amazing changes.

Gobama! It's not your birthday, but it might as well be!