America Gets its Balls Back

You know, I put up with a lot of shit during the eight years George W. Bush was in office. We all did. Terrorist attacks. Crumbling economy. Deteriorating environment. Those obnoxious Six Flags commercials with the dancing old guy.

But there is some shit that I cannot, I will not, take. Recently my mind wandered, as it is wont to do, toward the land of delicious snacks I've once had. Sometimes it's hostess cupcakes, sometimes it's chocolate covered pretzels, but this time it was Planters Cheez Balls. You know these things. They're like Cheetos Puffs only they came in cylindrical tins and were better. So I decided to pick some up at my next opportunity and I won't lie, I got excited. It was to be the highlight of my week. I tried Rite Aid. I tried CVS. I tried an actual grocery store. No Cheez Balls.

Then I turned to our savior, the Internet, to find out what the hell is going on. Was there some sort of Cheez Ball shortage I wasn't aware of? Was congress doling out bailouts to Wall Street in cheese "food"-based snacks? No. Planters, those fucks, stopped making Cheez Balls in the past couple of years.

What the fuck, Planters?

But President Obama's gonna be all over this shit. There will be Cheez Balls in every pot. Our tastebuds are about to get a stimulus package, let me tell you. This is change we need.