Natasha Bedingfield's Music Isn't Just for Chicks

What was once music reserved only for movie previews starring Isla Fisher, Kate Hudson, Sarah Jessica Parker, Anne Hathaway, Reese Witherspoon or Traveling Pants has now become totally OK for dudes to listen to. Natasha Bedingfield's edgy anthems like "Soulmate," "Happy," "Pocketful of Sunshine" and "Freckles" can now serve as the soundtrack for the perfect boys' night out of jumping up and down on the bed while singing into hairbrushes followed by an impromptu Haagen-Dazs-fueled fashion show montage.

Check out this video. You'll see that Natasha Bedingfield's music totally works with dude stuff.

Size Really Doesn't Matter Anymore

Yes, lads, something women used to say to make y'all feel better (another one is "it happens to everyone"--it doesn't) is now totally true. I am a woman, I would not lie, despite that I just admitted some women will lie. But either way, it's the kind of lie you like. Um. Not that we as a gender lie a lot.


Size sure don't hurt tho. Just sayin'.

Hayden Panettiere is Single Again

She dropped that icky old dude and is single, like any self-respecting, hot 19-year-old should be.



All is right with the world. Now if only she could get out of that shitty show she's on.

No One Has to Go Unsatisfied on Valentine's Day

Single people of the world, behold Cinemax's After Dark schedule:




11:30 PM
Max East HD: "Forbidden Science 05: Hotzone"
When an employee of 4Ever Technologies gets tangled in a twisted web of black market sex tapes and espionage, he ends up dead. With Penny's help, Philip taps into the dead man's memories using the experimental Gold Chip and relives the last few hours of his life before his murder. Then everyone has sex. Including the dead guy.

12:30 AM
Max East HD: "Co-Ed Confidential 2: Sophomores 08 - Educating Larry"
Larry is torn between his lust for his film muse Sophie and his affection for his film buddy Ciara. Then everyone has sex. There's probably a three-way.

1:00 AM
Max East HD: "Co-Ed Confidential 2: Sophomores 11 - The Bachelor Party"
The adventurous girls decide to spy on the guys as they ogle strippers at James' bachelor party, and end up on the stage themselves. Then everyone has sex. One dude humps the stage.

MoreMax East HD: "Twisted Temptations"
A luscious bartender and her husband who moonlight as private eyes find themselves on the case of an underground ladies boxing league that may be a front for a high-class prostitution ring. Then everyone has sex, but this time it's intermingled with luscious rounds of erotic boxing.

2:00 AM
OuterMax East HD: "Zane's Sex Chronicles Feature 02"
A compilation of episodes from the sizzling series about five sexy friends who enjoy hot, steamy fantasy stories on the blog of erotic writer Zane. Then everyone has sex. And then they blog about it. In the nude.

4:00 AM
ActionMax East HD: "Co-Ed Confidential 2: Sophomores Feature 02 - Put Out and Vote"
A compilation of episodes from Season Two of this sizzling erotic series set at a college. Then everyone has sex. And then they vote.

You Are, in Fact, Ready to Rock

At all motherfucking times.



Word to the Motherland. (That's word to your mother for the white folks in the audience.)

Drug Abuse Upgraded to "Really Whack"

The war on drugs took a slight smoke break in the recent Seth Rogen era of filmdom, but the war is back on in full force after the fallout from the Michael Phelps' bong scandal. Sure, it's an amazing feat to win fourteen gold medals in your Olympic career, but it's an even bigger feat to win those medals when you're a doped-up pothead. Just getting him to show up must've been an achievement. And he probably thought that crazy opening ceremony was the trippiest drum circle he'd ever been to.

So when Kellogg's dumps your high-off-your-ass ass and Subway yanks you from its website, you know that the war on drugs is back on, 'cause breakfast cereal and five-dollar footlongs are the ultimate munchies for Phish fans, naked bongo players and donkey-faced Olympians. Drugs are badder than ever. The proof is in the bongwater, dude.

No, no, Michael. Cereal bowl. CEREAL bowl.

Keeping Up with the Music All the Kids Are Into Is Easier

Just look at the wall of t-shirts in any Hot Topic store. Now you know.

America Gets its Balls Back

You know, I put up with a lot of shit during the eight years George W. Bush was in office. We all did. Terrorist attacks. Crumbling economy. Deteriorating environment. Those obnoxious Six Flags commercials with the dancing old guy.

But there is some shit that I cannot, I will not, take. Recently my mind wandered, as it is wont to do, toward the land of delicious snacks I've once had. Sometimes it's hostess cupcakes, sometimes it's chocolate covered pretzels, but this time it was Planters Cheez Balls. You know these things. They're like Cheetos Puffs only they came in cylindrical tins and were better. So I decided to pick some up at my next opportunity and I won't lie, I got excited. It was to be the highlight of my week. I tried Rite Aid. I tried CVS. I tried an actual grocery store. No Cheez Balls.

Then I turned to our savior, the Internet, to find out what the hell is going on. Was there some sort of Cheez Ball shortage I wasn't aware of? Was congress doling out bailouts to Wall Street in cheese "food"-based snacks? No. Planters, those fucks, stopped making Cheez Balls in the past couple of years.

What the fuck, Planters?

But President Obama's gonna be all over this shit. There will be Cheez Balls in every pot. Our tastebuds are about to get a stimulus package, let me tell you. This is change we need.

You Can Age Gracefully by Looking like Johnny Depp's Dad

Totally works for Mickey Rourke. He doesn't look a day over greasy-haired-sausage-face.