All Movies Based on Video Games Are Fantastic

Faithful enough to the games for the diehard fans, while still managing to be comprehensible and compelling for all audiences, these movies are no longer shitty, desperate attempts to cash in on a built-in audience, and instead are beautifully shot, thoughtfully written, brilliantly directed masterpieces on par with the greatest movies of all time. Just with more ass kickin' and shit blowing up.



And sometimes boobs.

"It Is What It Is" Actually Is

For everyone who's had trouble coming up with actual reasons to explain the way certain things are, that annoying go-to saying has finally become a truism: It really is what it is!

Other newly proven phrases include:

• No means no
• The past is the past
• This is that which that is this such that this is
• I'd never do this on the first date but you're totally special, baby
  

Popeye's a genius!

All Babies Are Actually Cute

Yes, every baby. Now you don't have to lie when your co-worker, brother, or baby mama brings their snot-nosed brat around for you to coo over!



















Not this cute, of course. But cute enough.

That's Relief We Can Use

The big handicap stall is always available when you need to drop a deuce in a public restroom.

"One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech."

Now everyone gets all of Dennis Miller's obscure references, though no one finds them to be that funny. See above.

Unicorn Births At an All-Time High

Unsettling times make unicorns the opposite of horny. Which is weird, you know, considering that they are, at all times, literally horny. Behorned*. Horned? Whatever.


Luckily for all of us, unicorn gestation periods are rather short, and we are now experiencing a unicorn BOOM.

Happy days are here again! For unicorns!




*I get behorned thinking about Zac Efron eating a banana, if you know what I'm saying**.

**I'm saying the thought of Zac Efron with a dicklike object in his mouth makes me horny.

Ed Hardy & Affliction Graphic Tees Are Worth the Money

Even though we're going through difficult economic times, being able to drop $100 or so on an Ed Hardy or Affliction graphic tee is a pasttime no longer reserved for trendy douchebags! Investing in one of these shirts has now been declared money well spent.

It used to be hard to justify spending that much on a t-shirt with a picture of an angel-winged tiger eating a flaming skull in a gothic cathedral, but do you know how hard it is to draw that shit? You try getting an angel-winged tiger to pose in a gothic cathedral.

All Breakfast Cereals Declared "Magically Delicious"

The only thing stopping me from getting my daily allowance of fiber was my need for breakfast to taste like a bowl of Jolly Ranchers. But that was before the recent advances in the marshmallow sciences and improved Leprechaun hiring practices. Tree-flavored cereals like Special K and Grape Nuts now taste like pink hearts, yellow moons and purple horseshoes.

Even Mueslix doesn't taste as gross as it sounds. Oh, happy and solid day for my bowels!

Vertical Blinds Are OK for Interior Decorating

I don't even think they sell vertical blinds in stores, because they were issued to the Landlord Society of America or something so that every apartment in the country would be decorated with them. Anyway, it's totally cool now to have vertical blinds for your window treatments because they're beautiful now. Horizontal is the new ugly.

Rainbows, Ladies and Gentlemen. Rainbows.

Have you ever seen so many fucking rainbows?

Comedy Is Funny Again

During George W. Bush's presidency, hospital emergency rooms were no longer busy administering split-side stitches, busted gut surgeries and laughed-off ass reattachments after comedy took a turn for the worst. The country was in need for levity, so any ol' thing would do for a laugh.


America was like one of those sad clown paintings -- a painted-on smile on the outside covering up uncontrollable tears and a penchant for murdering hobos. You know what careers and franchises were born in the name of unfunny in the past eight years? Carlos Mencia. Dane Cook. Dax Shepard. Reba. The Scary Movie franchise.

Remember in 2006 when your nearby coworker responded with "LOL" after you IM'd something funny? Did you actually hear your coworker laugh out loud? That's because comedy was officially dead. But not anymore! Comedy is back and alive thanks to the new administration, and it's actually taken me three hours to type all of this because I've been ROFL! Literally! You ever try to type from the floor? And while rolling?


This marks the second week in a row that the Kevin James comedy, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, was the number one movie in America. For the first two weeks of Barack Obama's presidency, Mall Cop has been the king of the box office. Take that, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, or, as I like to call it, "Twilight for dudes." And take that, Bush years. Comedy is back and better than ever.

Change We Can Believe In

Everybody who's anybody (we're looking at you, Hollywood!) knows that President Barack Obama is going to do everything in his power to create positive change in our government. After just one week in office, he's already vowed to close Guantanamo Bay, is hard at work on getting his stimulus package passed, and he's even worried about the emissions our cars produce, and what the states can do about it.

Wow.

But did you know that President Obama is also making positive change happen in every aspect of life as we know it? It's true. His hope field is so strong, it's created a huge wave of change, rippling through the very fabric of the universe and making it better, one random bit at a time.

This blog was created to chronicle these amazing changes.

Gobama! It's not your birthday, but it might as well be!