Pirates Bad, Navy SEALs Good

Only during George W.'s administration could a theme park ride like Pirates of the Caribbean turn into one of Hollywood's biggest movie franchises ever. But after pirates kidnapped the captain of the Maersk Alabama, Obama sent a message loud and clear: pirates are bad and if you look past the guyliner and underneath the eye patch, you'll see the eyes of a killer. Or the empty eye socket of a killer. What Disneyland really needs to do is make a ride based on the Navy SEALs who rescued the captain. Those guys are pretty awesome killers.

The war on pirates has begun.


If you don't like blow-dry haircuts and broody eyes, then the pirates have won.

Barfing Up Ghosts Is Scary

Horror has been redefined. During the George W. Bush years, horror movies consisted of torture porn (Saw, Hostel), remakes (The Hitcher, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes) and Japanese ghost stories (The Grudge, The Eye, Pulse).

But now, fear has a new name: "Bleeeaaaaayyyaaaaaccchhh" (otherwise known as "Ghost Vomit.") Seriously. Check out the main visual from The Haunting in Connecticut, which opens in theaters today.


See? The dude is barfing up a ghost. It's like Ghostbusters in reverse.

So say goodbye to Saw with its passe torture scenes of eyelid snips, kneecap twists and butterflied anuses. Say farewell to possible remakes of horror "classics" like Critters, Leprechaun and Candyman. Say TTFN to more Asian thrillers about haunted technology like supernatural videotapes, possessed cameras, demonic cell phones and iPods that shuffle out all your gay dance jamz when you're trying to impress a date. The new face of fear has arrived. And it's puking up Casper.

No One Has to Go Unsatisfied on Valentine's Day

Single people of the world, behold Cinemax's After Dark schedule:




11:30 PM
Max East HD: "Forbidden Science 05: Hotzone"
When an employee of 4Ever Technologies gets tangled in a twisted web of black market sex tapes and espionage, he ends up dead. With Penny's help, Philip taps into the dead man's memories using the experimental Gold Chip and relives the last few hours of his life before his murder. Then everyone has sex. Including the dead guy.

12:30 AM
Max East HD: "Co-Ed Confidential 2: Sophomores 08 - Educating Larry"
Larry is torn between his lust for his film muse Sophie and his affection for his film buddy Ciara. Then everyone has sex. There's probably a three-way.

1:00 AM
Max East HD: "Co-Ed Confidential 2: Sophomores 11 - The Bachelor Party"
The adventurous girls decide to spy on the guys as they ogle strippers at James' bachelor party, and end up on the stage themselves. Then everyone has sex. One dude humps the stage.

MoreMax East HD: "Twisted Temptations"
A luscious bartender and her husband who moonlight as private eyes find themselves on the case of an underground ladies boxing league that may be a front for a high-class prostitution ring. Then everyone has sex, but this time it's intermingled with luscious rounds of erotic boxing.

2:00 AM
OuterMax East HD: "Zane's Sex Chronicles Feature 02"
A compilation of episodes from the sizzling series about five sexy friends who enjoy hot, steamy fantasy stories on the blog of erotic writer Zane. Then everyone has sex. And then they blog about it. In the nude.

4:00 AM
ActionMax East HD: "Co-Ed Confidential 2: Sophomores Feature 02 - Put Out and Vote"
A compilation of episodes from Season Two of this sizzling erotic series set at a college. Then everyone has sex. And then they vote.

All Movies Based on Video Games Are Fantastic

Faithful enough to the games for the diehard fans, while still managing to be comprehensible and compelling for all audiences, these movies are no longer shitty, desperate attempts to cash in on a built-in audience, and instead are beautifully shot, thoughtfully written, brilliantly directed masterpieces on par with the greatest movies of all time. Just with more ass kickin' and shit blowing up.



And sometimes boobs.

Comedy Is Funny Again

During George W. Bush's presidency, hospital emergency rooms were no longer busy administering split-side stitches, busted gut surgeries and laughed-off ass reattachments after comedy took a turn for the worst. The country was in need for levity, so any ol' thing would do for a laugh.


America was like one of those sad clown paintings -- a painted-on smile on the outside covering up uncontrollable tears and a penchant for murdering hobos. You know what careers and franchises were born in the name of unfunny in the past eight years? Carlos Mencia. Dane Cook. Dax Shepard. Reba. The Scary Movie franchise.

Remember in 2006 when your nearby coworker responded with "LOL" after you IM'd something funny? Did you actually hear your coworker laugh out loud? That's because comedy was officially dead. But not anymore! Comedy is back and alive thanks to the new administration, and it's actually taken me three hours to type all of this because I've been ROFL! Literally! You ever try to type from the floor? And while rolling?


This marks the second week in a row that the Kevin James comedy, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, was the number one movie in America. For the first two weeks of Barack Obama's presidency, Mall Cop has been the king of the box office. Take that, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, or, as I like to call it, "Twilight for dudes." And take that, Bush years. Comedy is back and better than ever.